You may discover that your experience is better described by a different sexual or romantic orientation, or that your attraction changes with time. A change in desire may occasionally be brought on by specific underlying medical issues or prescription drugs.

Being straight isn't always easy to figure out. If you find that you're not attracted to anyone but don't consider yourself to be "asexual," it's normal to be concerned.

Little to no sexual attraction to other individuals is the hallmark of asexuality, a sexual orientation. But there is a wide range of experiences that fall under the asexual spectrum.

Recognize that you are not alone wherever you are on the attraction spectrum and that delving into your emotions can lead to insightful discoveries.

After witnessing the character Rod from "Bojack Horseman" come to terms with his own asexuality and the implications it could have for his dating and sexual life, I, too, became aware that I was an ace.

I had no idea that asexuality was a sexual orientation I could identify with until that point.

However, I could really identify with Rod's confusion over his attraction to other people and the pressure he felt to have sex even though he didn't want to.

In 2019, I started following Rod's narrative, and the following year, after allowing myself the same grace to explore my emotions, I came to terms with being labeled as "asexual." To the point that I made the decision to come out to a close relative.

I've been researching more about asexuality and what it can actually mean for me ever since.

Turning reflection into action

When I initially learned about asexuality, I couldn't stop thinking about myself.

However, as I looked for a community of my own, I ran with presumptions about who I was and attempts by other ace people to discredit my experience.

This form of gatekeeping, as one might anticipate, frequently succeeds in pushing individuals away and feeds negative stereotypes about who is "allowed" to be something or identify in a particular manner.

So I made the decision to put my reflection into action in an effort to regain what I know I've felt inside of myself for a very long time.

I looked for books and articles authored by other, more ace people who provided additional validation. I discussed my sexuality with individuals I knew would listen to me and be there to support me.

I also began writing about my experiences thus far, using my path as a springboard to pinpoint the aspects of the ace community that I believe are lacking and endeavor to rectify them.

And one particular space where ace people are all too frequently left out is the mainstream sex-positivity movement.

Asexuality ≠ absence of sexuality

One sexual orientation that has long been misinterpreted is asexuality. Many individuals aren't even aware that asexuality is a spectrum like all other sexual orientations and that people can be asexual.

Not to mention the fact that asexual individuals can experience romantic relationships, have sex, view and enjoy porn, experiment with sexual fetishes, and have a sexual drive.

As it did with me, this ignorance and lack of understanding can have a detrimental effect on those who identify as asexual but are unaware of it.

Furthermore, when people think of sex positivity—as a movement or as a personal philosophy—they fail to take into account the fact that individuals who are averse to sex can nonetheless be active members of the sex-positive community.

Sexuality is fluid — it isn’t a rigid or binary state of existence. This means that people can be any combination of asexual, aromantic, and sex-positive.

Creating space for asexuality in sex positivity

As per Dr. Hanna Mowell, lead researcher at the sex therapy app Blueheart and a sex and relationships therapist, the sex-positivity movement is all about "minimizing judgment and emphasizing personal agency and choice when it comes to sex."

She states that the movement's goal is to subvert damaging societal and cultural conventions surrounding sex and sexuality.

She continues by saying that the idea that certain communities perceive sexual expression as fundamentally positive and healthy, while others have a negative view of sexuality and attempt to suppress and regulate libido, is usually the source of inspiration for sex positivity.

"Sexuality is everywhere," according to Angela Chen in her book "Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex." Asexuality permeates society in all areas where sexuality does.

In light of this, the sex-positivity movement ought to give special consideration to those on the ace spectrum, both in terms of romantic and sexual relationships. Failure to do so would be a disdain for the real meaning of sex and sexuality, as well as the ways in which they can influence our lives.

The intrinsic queerness of not seeking sex and not making it the center of one's existence may teach people a lot about attraction, desire, desirability, and so much more in a heteronormative, sex-driven world.

Furthermore, embracing asexuality within the broader sex-positive movement might start to normalize both having sex and not having sex. Additionally, it can make room for the teaching of sex in a way that is healthy and advantageous to everyone, as opposed to exploitative, constrained, and further impacted by patriarchy.

What I would have understood back then

I was raised to believe that teenagers should be sex-crazed, so when I wasn't, I made an effort to be.

In the end, pressuring myself to have sex before I was ready and when I didn't truly want to delayed my sexual development and negatively impacted my mental health.

An influential movement like sex positivity could prevent many adults and teenagers from endangering themselves in order to fit in by demonstrating that having an aversion to sex is not only a choice but also a "normal" one.

"For individuals who have had to fight for their right to have sex with the people they want to, the idea of not wanting to use that privilege might seem ridiculous, dismissive even," writes Alice Olivia Scarlett in a Stonewall essay.

However, being ace doesn’t mean being anti-sex.

Rather, “when someone chooses to be non-sexual or engage in limited sexual activity, they’re doing so because they’re choosing to prioritize their sexuality and their own mental health, as opposed to feeling obligated to date or have sex with other people because of guilt or social pressure,” explains Mowell.

How we can move forward

Aromanticism and asexuality are by no means novel ideas. Social media and the internet's growth, for example, have made it simpler for asexual people to interact with one another and start teaching allosexual people about the richness of the asexual experience.

Having said that, there is still work to be done by the sex-positivity movement. According to Mowell, "the movement is about celebrating and supporting the freedom to embrace your sexuality, not just the act of sex," and this has to be emphasized more.

Asexuals, like many others, have a desire to take on causes such as promoting the rights of sex workers and assisting in the inclusion of more people in sex education programs.

We aim to abolish the stigma and discrimination that women and other oppressed genders face for daring to have the same sexual drive or libido that patriarchal culture dictates is exclusively male.

However, in order for ace individuals to achieve all of those things and more, we cannot be made to feel as though our sexual orientation and being sex-positive are incompatible.

The campaign for sex equality must also address issues and discrimination that asexuals experience, such as medical prejudice, gaslighting, corrective rape, and societal erasure.

Recognizing the distinction between romantic and sexual attraction  
The want for emotional intimacy, companionship, and connection is the essence of romantic attraction. Contrarily, sexual attraction entails a craving for close physical contact.

Read our post about the many kinds of attraction to find out more.

It is possible to exhibit sexual attraction but not romantic attraction, or to be aromantic but not asexual. This is an illustration of "cross-orientation," also known as "mixed-orientation," which is the state in which your sexual and romantic orientations diverge.

Consider these questions to reflect on what you’re feeling:

Do you desire close, emotional relationships without feeling the need for physical intimacy?
Is it about physical closeness, emotional bonding, or both when you imagine intimacy with another person?
Are you attracted to specific qualities or personalities of people but not to their physical forms?
When you’re attracted to people — platonically or otherwise — what about them attracts you?
Do you feel different types of attraction toward different genders?
Reflecting on these questions can help you discern if your feelings align more with romantic attraction, sexual attraction, both, or neither.

Understanding the spectrum of sexual behavior

Sexual behavior is also nuanced, with a spectrum encompassing everything from solo activities to partnered sex. Your sexual behavior and preferences may change over time and in different contexts.

Consider asking yourself:

Does the thought of intimacy appeal to you as a concept, but less so in practice with partners?
Is your lack of attraction exclusive to one partner or all partners?
Does your attraction or lack thereof change based on the level of emotional closeness you feel with someone?
Do you feel inclined toward sexual activity for your own enjoyment or to satisfy your partner?
Is sexual activity only appealing to you under specific circumstances, like when you’ve been in a long-term relationship or when you want to make your partner happy?
Do you generally prefer to enjoy physical pleasure alone (that is, by masturbating) rather than with a partner?
These questions can help you figure out your preferences.

Conclusion

In the fight for justice, visibility, and space for marginalized communities like the ace community, proper education, representation, and advocacy are essential.

Since asexuality and sex positivity are not universal, movements with as much effect as sex positivity shouldn't ignore asexual individuals who want to learn more about what it means for them.

I am learning about sex (both personally and via a wider social lens), what and who I desire emotionally and sexually, what arouses me, and so much more since I realized I can be both.